i just sent this text using only my big toe
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize