I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
