you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
