Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
