If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
