I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
