So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize