Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
