I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
