plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
