You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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