I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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