Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
