Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize