Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
