and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize