Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
