I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
