Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
