this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
