My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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