why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
