So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
