I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
