I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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