I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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