her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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