I want to walk on stilts...naked
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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