Dude my mom stole all your condoms
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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