he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
