Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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