someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
