I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
