Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
