Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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