so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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