I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
