My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
