I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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