Since when is my name a synonym for head?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Still dying that you shit outside
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
