Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize