Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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