i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
