i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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