I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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