So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
