I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
