Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
