I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
