theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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