why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
