Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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