I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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