U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
