i permit you to call me
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
