pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
