There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Randomize
