dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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