I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
