im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
