I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
