Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize