Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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