I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
