Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
