i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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