I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
