True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
