The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
