nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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