All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
