Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize