I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Send help, water and tortillas.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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