just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize