There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
